Ever heard the saying: “You teach people how to treat you”?

It’s true. It’s evident by what you’re willing or not willing to tolerate in your relationships…

Many years ago I became friends with a wonderful lady who was like a mother to me. She was very kind and loving to everyone so I couldn’t understand why her adult children treated her with such disrespect.  They openly put her down even in the presence of strangers. And the more they disrespected her, the harder she worked to seek their love and approval.

It really bothered me to see what was going on.  I thought it was all her children’s fault that they were so disrespectful.  Back then I hadn’t yet learned how to Communicate to Get Respect.

 Here’s how you get respect.

First, be aware that you have rights as an individual.

Second, acknowledge your rights.

Assertive people know they have the right to:

·      Be treated with respect

·      Express their own opinion, feelings, thoughts

·      Say no

·      Decide for themselves what they want

·      Make mistakes

·      Be themselves

Third, begin to ask for respect. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings.  For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

Fourth, focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred.  For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

 Fifth, whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.  Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice.  Discuss the problem with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

Seek Respect.  Your goal is not to be liked.  It’s to be respected. 

When you don’t express your opinion on how you want to be treated, you close the lines of communication between yourself and others.  This results in a build-up of anger, resentment and frustration toward others. This is hazardous to your health and your relationships.

On the other hand when you begin to express your feelings in a calm manner you open up the lines of communication between you and the people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy, involvement and mutual respect in your relationships. Great for your health and your relationships.

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Have you been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant say: “Put on your oxygen mask first”?
Did you think about what it really means or did you immediately dismiss it thinking: “I can’t do that”?
What does it really mean to put on your oxygen mask first?

If you don’t do it you wont be able to ‘be there’ for others when they need you. To be able to help others we must first take care of ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, pyschologically.

Giving to others without giving to yourself first is like attempting to make a withdrawal from your account when there’s no money in it. That’s called overdrawing. Even if you have overdraft protection, you’re putting your account in the negative and the bank expects you to pay back the money.

If you don’t give to yourself first you’ll have nothing to give. What’s worse is you could completely burn out or become totally incapable of helping others due to illness or…

I received the gift of spending time with my mother about six months before she passed. It was May 2006 and my sons and I had just returned to Canada from Korea. The cancer she’d been diagnosed with had returned and she’d been admitted to hospital for a short stay.

One of the things she sat me down and told me was: “Make sure you continue to take care of yourself. Even if other people think you’re being selfish, take care of yourself. If I had known this my whole life, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this situation now.”

I had been practicing self-care for many years as a result of doing Assertiveness Training. I had always known it was the right thing to do however hearing this from my mother really cemented it in my heart and mind.

She was a woman who had lived a life of complete self-sacrifice. Wherever she went people loved and admired her for her generosity. She had always given to others first and many times had nothing left for herself. It amazed me that she had been given this flash of insight and had chosen to share it with me. It touched me in a way nothing else could and brought me to tears.

Whether you’re a young adult just starting out in life or you’ve been through lots of life – take care of yourself first. Whether you are admired for your generosity to others, you have children and a family to care for or you work in a helping profession – take time for yourself first. Whatever your situation start practicing self-care. Your family, friends, neighbours, community, workplace, world will benefit from your self-care.

Giving to yourself is an act of self-love. It helps you feel better about yourself. It allows you to give without feeling resentful and it allows others to respect you, your time and your efforts.

Tips to start practicing self-care:
1. Make a note in your planner to have some “Me Time” this week.

2. Take an hour of undisturbed time that you’re going to spend completely by yourself. No distractions allowed e.g. cell phones, computer, children, partner, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend.

3. Take time to think about the things you enjoy doing. Maybe it’s watching an episode of Sesame Street, Mr. Bean or your favourite comedian. It could be drawing or painting a picture. For some people it’s getting a massage, bubble bath or foot soak. For others it’s going for a nature walk, swim, hike. It could mean settling down in your favourite chair with a book. The ideas are endless and as unique as you.

4. Do something you enjoy for that hour. Notice how you feel after your self-care experience.

5. Have a “Me Time” date every week for the next 3 months. It will change your life!

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