I was watching an episode of BraveHeart View recently and this was the topic being discussed.

Ellie Drake, the founder of Brave Heart Women, talked about how painful it was for her when she arrived in America (from Iran) and was judged because she had one eyebrow.  All the women including Ellie had a laugh about it but I can imagine the pain of that experience lasting a long time. For some of us it may be traumatic enough to even last a life time.

We need to be careful about stereotyping people based on their differentness from us. Sometimes it’s their skin colour, ability and age. Things aren’t always what they appear to be. People aren’t always who they seem.

Do you remember how Susan Boyle was treated when she first auditioned on “Britain’s Got Talent”? I remember people made the assumption that she couldn’t sing because she didn’t seem to fit the stereotype of what singers look and dress like as in younger, thinner… Many people took one look at her, sized her up and wrote her off thinking that she was really going to make a fool of herself on stage.

And then she opened her mouth singing “I dreamed a dream” and she immediately shut down the naysayers and won the hearts of millions around the world.  I was happy for her from the very beginning because I love to root for the underdog. But that doesn’t mean I’m not critical of others. I’m working on not judging.

How can we move past this issue that robs us of treating people with respect without them having to prove themselves? 

• - Look beyond the outer package: weight, skin colour, clothes, ability, gender, sexual orientation etc.
• - Remember how painful it is or was for you when you are/were judged and show understanding.
• - Accept that underneath it all is a person who needs acceptance just like you.
• - Refuse to participate in conversations that bash people and cut them down.
• - Recognize that when you speak badly of others it reflects badly on you.

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I was watching a BraveHeart View episode where they were discussing daily rituals. The question is, what do you do on a daily basis to bring yourself a sense of peace and get your day going?

For most of us we wake up in the morning and as we come to awareness we start thinking about what we don’t have, don’t want and can’t get. If we don’t ground ourselves in some rituals we become very stressed out as we go through our day. And we find ourselves reacting to every situation instead of responding.

Ellie Drake, the founder of BraveHeart Women, said if you don’t consciously choose things that make you feel good you’ll unconsciously create feelings that aren’t good like anxiety, frustration, sadness. So choose consciously.

I suggest starting with gratitude. Write down 10 things you’re grateful for in your life. Recognize that you’re important and you deserve to have a great day. Give yourself some “me time”.

Take out a picture that brings back pleasant memories for you and go there in your mind. Yes, experience the feelings of joy, pride, freedom that this picture brings. Project those feelings into your day.

Think of three things that say “I love myself” and do them.

One of the best ways to wake up with a sense of peace is going to bed with a sense of peace. So as you wind down your day, take time to express gratitude for things that went well during your day. Visualize yourself having a good night’s rest and waking up refreshed and rejuvenated. Prayer, meditation or some form of relaxation helps.

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I was listening to Gary Quinn, Abundance Coach to the Stars, as he discussed this topic. And he said most of us are living our lives based on our past. What happened in our last relationship, our last job, our last experience with, fill in the blank

Does that resonate with you? I got goose bumps when I heard it because it made perfect sense to me. Been there and done that.

Anyway Gary Quinn suggests that if you keep holding on to the fear you’ll create exactly the reality that you don’t want.  He recommends bringing yourself into the present moment. And what I got from that was the importance of being present in the right now.

I read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” and it’s helped me  become more mindful of the times that I’m not present. Have you ever done an activity and you were so far away in your mind you forgot you had done it? Ever driven and been so preoccupied you went right past where you were supposed to go? That demonstrates you’re someplace else. Come to the present moment. Breathe.

Gary Quinn talks about tapping into the reality of a different future. That you let go of the past and forgive yourself. I’d like to add: forgive those who you feel may have wronged you.

He suggests that you create a statement that makes you feel great. I recommend using these present tense statements to develop a blueprint for what you want.

To do this look at your life and get clear on what you want. Plan for what you want instead of what you don’t want.

Experience the feeling of what you want and live in that feeling all the time.

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One of the most important skills we need to develop in order to be happy is how to ask for what we want. Yet most of us never learn.

Others think they’ll lose the things that are important to them – friendships, relationships, job etc.

Still, nothing seems to create more frustration and stress internally than feeling powerless to ask for what you want. So it’s really important to know how to do it.

You may be asking why do we need this skill. The reason is we live in a world where there is an imbalance where our rights are concerned. Some people don’t know they have rights, some who know are afraid to speak up for their rights and the third group seems to trample on the rights of others to make themselves look good.

That’s why it’s critical for you to understand that you have rights and to know what they are. It’s a long list so I wont bore you with them all but here are some of them.

You have the right to: ask for what you want, express your own opinion, say no, decide for yourself what’s best for you, think about what you’re being asked before you respond…

Next, respect yourself. In other words don’t say yes when deep down you really mean no. It will create stress, frustration and anxiety deep down inside you. And you’ll be mad at yourself, may even beat up on yourself and hate or dislike yourself.

Be consistent. People respect those who are consistent. When you take on a responsibility and you turn down other people’s offers for help, commit to follow through and get it done without complaining. Your saying yes and rejecting help sends a message that you can handle the task at hand. So if you suddenly feel upset (in the midst of carrying out this particular responsibility) and decide to blow off steam because your needs aren’t being met, those who bear the brunt of your anger may perceive you as being insincere. That you can’t even make up your mind what you really want. And guess what?  They’re not likely to take you seriously.

So here are some steps to stop this vicious cycle or even to untangle yourself from it.

• 1. Stop. Get clear on what you need by asking yourself: “What do I need from this person, in this situation or at this time?”
• 2. Say no to things you don’t want to do.
• 3. Accept help when it’s being offered.
• 4. Write down what’s bothering you before you have “that talk” with the other person.
• 5. Have regular conversations when you bring up your wants and needs in a non-threatening way.
• 6. Practice what you’re going to say and how to say it using “I” statements.

 Don’t wait until you’ve had it up to your neck before you have a talk about what’s bothering you.

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