One of the most important skills we need to develop in order to be happy is how to ask for what we want. Yet most of us never learn.
Others think they’ll lose the things that are important to them – friendships, relationships, job etc.
Still, nothing seems to create more frustration and stress internally than feeling powerless to ask for what you want. So it’s really important to know how to do it.
You may be asking why do we need this skill. The reason is we live in a world where there is an imbalance where our rights are concerned. Some people don’t know they have rights, some who know are afraid to speak up for their rights and the third group seems to trample on the rights of others to make themselves look good.
That’s why it’s critical for you to understand that you have rights and to know what they are. It’s a long list so I wont bore you with them all but here are some of them.
You have the right to: ask for what you want, express your own opinion, say no, decide for yourself what’s best for you, think about what you’re being asked before you respond…
Next, respect yourself. In other words don’t say yes when deep down you really mean no. It will create stress, frustration and anxiety deep down inside you. And you’ll be mad at yourself, may even beat up on yourself and hate or dislike yourself.
Be consistent. People respect those who are consistent. When you take on a responsibility and you turn down other people’s offers for help, commit to follow through and get it done without complaining. Your saying yes and rejecting help sends a message that you can handle the task at hand. So if you suddenly feel upset (in the midst of carrying out this particular responsibility) and decide to blow off steam because your needs aren’t being met, those who bear the brunt of your anger may perceive you as being insincere. That you can’t even make up your mind what you really want. And guess what? They’re not likely to take you seriously.
So here are some steps to stop this vicious cycle or even to untangle yourself from it.
- 1. Stop. Get clear on what you need by asking yourself: “What do I need from this person, in this situation or at this time?”
- 2. Say no to things you don’t want to do.
- 3. Accept help when it’s being offered.
- 4. Write down what’s bothering you before you have “that talk” with the other person.
- 5. Have regular conversations when you bring up your wants and needs in a non-threatening way.
- 6. Practice what you’re going to say and how to say it using “I” statements.
Don’t wait until you’ve had it up to your neck before you have a talk about what’s bothering you.