According to Dr. Joe Rubino, the world’s leading authority on self-esteem optimization, many times as children we were told that we weren’t good enough. We may have gotten the message that we were not worthy of the best things in life and we accepted and absorbed these negative ideas.

This could have come from parents, grandparents, whomever. Regardless of who it was we believed them. And now we have a voice inside our heads that takes on this person’s words to remind us of our inferiority.

Whether this negative chatter started with your misinterpretations or with someone else’s misguided words you have the ability to recognize that these thoughts are not true. More critically, they do not support your happiness and You have the power to stop your inner critic every time she speaks against you.

This voice may tell you that life isn’t bad if you live it quietly. She may tell you it’s too stressful to try to accomplish great things. Maybe you think your life is okay. But isn’t it true that your life lacks the passion and power you might experience by playing at a higher level? Are you genuinely happy continuing to live a lack-lustre life?

By developing higher self-esteem you can reclaim your greatness and create lots of possibilities for living your best life! Yes, it’s true that you may experience some level of stress by getting out of your comfort zone but there are greater levels of joy and fulfillment awaiting you on the other side.

Here’s an exercise to shift things:

For the next week as you go about your day notice each time your inner critic puts you down and keeps you playing small. Write down each negative thought you have about yourself. Start observing the difference between your inner critic’s voice and your intuition-the voice of wisdom.

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I was watching an episode of BraveHeart View recently and this was the topic being discussed.

Ellie Drake, the founder of Brave Heart Women, talked about how painful it was for her when she arrived in America (from Iran) and was judged because she had one eyebrow.  All the women including Ellie had a laugh about it but I can imagine the pain of that experience lasting a long time. For some of us it may be traumatic enough to even last a life time.

We need to be careful about stereotyping people based on their differentness from us. Sometimes it’s their skin colour, ability and age. Things aren’t always what they appear to be. People aren’t always who they seem.

Do you remember how Susan Boyle was treated when she first auditioned on “Britain’s Got Talent”? I remember people made the assumption that she couldn’t sing because she didn’t seem to fit the stereotype of what singers look and dress like as in younger, thinner… Many people took one look at her, sized her up and wrote her off thinking that she was really going to make a fool of herself on stage.

And then she opened her mouth singing “I dreamed a dream” and she immediately shut down the naysayers and won the hearts of millions around the world.  I was happy for her from the very beginning because I love to root for the underdog. But that doesn’t mean I’m not critical of others. I’m working on not judging.

How can we move past this issue that robs us of treating people with respect without them having to prove themselves? 

• - Look beyond the outer package: weight, skin colour, clothes, ability, gender, sexual orientation etc.
• - Remember how painful it is or was for you when you are/were judged and show understanding.
• - Accept that underneath it all is a person who needs acceptance just like you.
• - Refuse to participate in conversations that bash people and cut them down.
• - Recognize that when you speak badly of others it reflects badly on you.

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I was watching a BraveHeart View episode where they were discussing daily rituals. The question is, what do you do on a daily basis to bring yourself a sense of peace and get your day going?

For most of us we wake up in the morning and as we come to awareness we start thinking about what we don’t have, don’t want and can’t get. If we don’t ground ourselves in some rituals we become very stressed out as we go through our day. And we find ourselves reacting to every situation instead of responding.

Ellie Drake, the founder of BraveHeart Women, said if you don’t consciously choose things that make you feel good you’ll unconsciously create feelings that aren’t good like anxiety, frustration, sadness. So choose consciously.

I suggest starting with gratitude. Write down 10 things you’re grateful for in your life. Recognize that you’re important and you deserve to have a great day. Give yourself some “me time”.

Take out a picture that brings back pleasant memories for you and go there in your mind. Yes, experience the feelings of joy, pride, freedom that this picture brings. Project those feelings into your day.

Think of three things that say “I love myself” and do them.

One of the best ways to wake up with a sense of peace is going to bed with a sense of peace. So as you wind down your day, take time to express gratitude for things that went well during your day. Visualize yourself having a good night’s rest and waking up refreshed and rejuvenated. Prayer, meditation or some form of relaxation helps.

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I was listening to Gary Quinn, Abundance Coach to the Stars, as he discussed this topic. And he said most of us are living our lives based on our past. What happened in our last relationship, our last job, our last experience with, fill in the blank

Does that resonate with you? I got goose bumps when I heard it because it made perfect sense to me. Been there and done that.

Anyway Gary Quinn suggests that if you keep holding on to the fear you’ll create exactly the reality that you don’t want.  He recommends bringing yourself into the present moment. And what I got from that was the importance of being present in the right now.

I read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” and it’s helped me  become more mindful of the times that I’m not present. Have you ever done an activity and you were so far away in your mind you forgot you had done it? Ever driven and been so preoccupied you went right past where you were supposed to go? That demonstrates you’re someplace else. Come to the present moment. Breathe.

Gary Quinn talks about tapping into the reality of a different future. That you let go of the past and forgive yourself. I’d like to add: forgive those who you feel may have wronged you.

He suggests that you create a statement that makes you feel great. I recommend using these present tense statements to develop a blueprint for what you want.

To do this look at your life and get clear on what you want. Plan for what you want instead of what you don’t want.

Experience the feeling of what you want and live in that feeling all the time.

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“Smile. Your smile lights up a room.” It was more than 20 years ago and I had been going through a difficult time. The stress was starting to show on my face. One of my mentors took me aside and she said: ” Smile, your smile could charm a ratbat!”

Even though I had never encountered a ‘ratbat’ it made me smile immediately to know that my smile was so powerful… I have taken this lesson to heart and have never forgotten these words. I smile regularly and teach others to do the same.

I have traveled to countries in Asia where I was told people don’t normally interact with ‘foreigners’. Yet I made friends simply by walking down the street wearing a smile on my face.

Several of my Asian friends later told me they had never approached a westerner on the street before meeting me. They felt intimidated to do so but somehow I seemed friendly because of my smile. And my smile put them at ease.

As a  former teacher to International students I often heard from my students that my smile made them feel comfortable. But the secret I never shared with them that I’m sharing with you is I came to learn that my smile makes me better looking. 

Here’s a secret for women: if you wear a smile more often you may find you don’t need as much make-up. You may even appear younger than your age. How is that for a fountain of youth tip?

Here are some exercises to get you smiling…

-Before you get out of bed in the morning visualize a pleasant memory.

Hold something in your mind that puts a smile on your face. Keep that memory in front of you as you go through your day.

-Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror then smile. Smile at yourself in the mirror every chance you get. Smile with people you never smiled at before. Smile with those you interact with in your daily encounters.

-If visualizing doesn’t work for you, place a picture of something fun on your night table. In the morning, as you prepare to get out of bed to start your day take a look at that picture and smile.

- Keep a picture that holds fond memories in your wallet and at

intervals during your day take it out, look at it and smile.

Try these exercise every day for at least 90 days! Observe the difference they make to your life.

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There’s a saying I grew up with as a child: “Ungrateful worse than obeah.”
It means that living in a state of ingratitude for life, your situation, your circumstances is going to keep you locked into your difficulties…

It doesn’t mean that we never complained but whenever we did the elders would remind us to snap out of it with this proverb. Otherwise we were creating more difficulties for ourselves. And we quickly learned from this wise saying. I know I certainly did.

There’s a story about an enchanted forest and the animals around it. A wise old owl stood as the gatekeeper to this forest. It was a place that many animals dreamed of.

It was magical and beautiful with lots of water, thick lush foliage. Word had spread through the animal kingdom that life was beautiful for the animals who lived there. What they didn’t know was the password to get into this forest.

Each animal that came was asked: What was it like where you came from?” If the animal answered: “It was terrible.” The owl would say: “It’s the same here. Terrible place, the animals are unkind to each other, there’s very little food and water. You’d better go back to your old forest.” And the owl wouldn’t let them in.

If the animal answered: “The forest where I lived was a beautiful place…” The wise old owl would answer: “Well you’re going to like it here. That’s exactly what it’s like in this forest. Would you like to enter?”

What’s the difference? Attitude. This story reminds us that when we complain about a situation we get locked into that very situation by our own words. In the same way when we appreciate our situation, we get a better one.

1. Every morning when you awake, before you go rushing off into the day, take a few minutes to think about what’s good in your life e.g. your health, the people you love, people who love you etc.

2. Every day find something and or things to be grateful for. Feeling gratitude lifts your spirits.

3. Express appreciation to those close to you. Notice when they do something right and tell them about it. You will feel better about yourself too!

4. End your day reflecting on all that’s good in your life. It’ll help you sleep better and give you peaceful feelings.

Try these exercises for the next 90 days.

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Addressing conflict can be challenging for many of us. Many times we either ‘fight’ or ‘fly’ depending on how we were raised and how we saw our families of origin deal with issues. ‘Fighting’ and ‘flying’ both lead to alienation and these are  aggressive and passive responses respectively.

When we are passive in dealing with conflict we may feel powerless to change what we consider a ‘hostile dynamic’ so we react by withdrawing, retreating or hiding. This often results in blocks to communication. On the other side of the spectrum by acting aggressively to address conflict we react in a way that’s scary and intimidating to others. As a result we stand to alienate the people we’re interacting with.

One of the most empowering ways I know to communicate around conflict is by using assertive behaviors. Using assertive strategies allows us to respond rather than react and we build mutual respect and intimacy rather than alienation.

Becoming assertive requires a very conscious shift in our mindset. We must first recognize that we have rights. This is fundamental to changing unhealthy relationship dynamics and will allow us to gain the respect we desire in our relationships.

 1. Recognize your rights. You have the right to:

*Be treated with respect

*Express your own opinion, feelings, thoughts

*Say no

*Decide for yourself what you want

*Make mistakes

*Be yourself

2. Assess what’s happening. Determine how to respond assertively rather than react to the situation. Whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice. It’s best to discuss the issue with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

3. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings. For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

4. Focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred. For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

5. If you feel you’re still not being heard, you may try the technique of ‘escalating’.

Use your hand like a stop sign, stand in your power and in a firm voice say: “I would like you to stop…” Pause for effect.

-If you’re still not being heard say something like: “I have asked you to stop and it seems you’re not listening. If you choose to continue I’m going to be forced to ….” (leave the room, stop communicating with you until you are willing to be respectful, etc). Choose an action that makes sense in the situation and follow through with what you say you’re going to do if you’re not being heard.

6. Seek Respect. Your goal is not to be liked. It’s to be respected. Once you understand this you can begin to express your feelings and open the lines of communication with people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy and mutual respect in your relationships…

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It’s been said the number one regret people have when they lay on their death beds is that they took their lives too seriously. In other words they didn’t play enough. That’s pretty darn serious, isn’t it? So can you afford not to play? If you spend all your life working without taking time to play that could be you…

Did you realize that the Disneylands and Disneyworlds are filled with adults because these are the few places we give ourselves permission to play as adults?

But you don’t have to wait for that once in a lifetime dream trip to Disneyworld to have fun.

You could start at home or wherever you choose and you could make it as often as once a week or more if you choose.

Some of us learned it wasn’t okay to play as kids. Speaking for myself that was my life. Until I grew up and recognized that the little girl inside was always going to be a little girl who needs play and laughter. So now I have a life that includes playtime. I love to play in the sand so I bought me a sand box-a little one that holds pride of place in my little sanctuary area.

Taking time to play has many benefits like making you younger, happier, and more creative. It helps relieve stress and helps our relationships thrive. One of my clients says: “It makes us less crabby.”

So take some time to play.

Make note in your planner to have a play date this week.

Take a half-hour or hour if you choose of undisturbed time.

Reflect on what you used to love to do as a child.

Do one fun thing this week and every week for the next three months.

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I often meet people who ask my advice on this very question. It’s a very challenging issue for those of us who were taught that our role is to cater to everyone else’s needs, never speak up for our rights and always say yes to whatever you’re asked to do.

This is especially challenging for many women. In order to set boundaries you’re going to have to learn to say no. It becomes challenging to say “No” when your whole life you’ve been nodding, smiling and responding with “Yes” to everything. 

I’m not pointing the finger at you. I’m talking about myself here. I came from a home where I was taught to be a nice person. I was taught to put everybody’s needs ahead of my own. What I knew how to do really well was to please everybody, suck up to people, take whatever they were dishing out and I couldn’t understand why I always felt so unhappy.

That’s because I wasn’t pleasing myself. It means that no matter how good I made someone else feel I was making me feel bad.

So to overcome this challenge you have to first recognize these inalienable rights:

*You are an individual with your own rights and needs!

*You are worthy of love and respect!

*You have the right to live a happy life!

*You have the right to say no to someone or something without giving a reason or excuse

Saying no to other people’s agendas or programs allows us to focus on our own agendas and programs. It allows us to put our needs about the needs of others. It gives us peace of mind where we may otherwise find ourselves feeling stressed and anxious because we’ve said yes to so many things we can’t keep up with our commitment to ourselves.

To learn how to say no takes practice, practice, practice

1. Start by saying no to little things in situations that are not very intimidating or threatening, e.g. something your friend asked you to do for her/him. Say no.

2. Whenever you’re asked to do something, recognize there’s no pressure to respond immediately. Then say something like: “I’d like to think about this and get back to you”

3. Next, check in with yourself. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this?’

4. If the answer is no. Respond by saying something like: ” I’ve had a chance to think about this and I’ve decided not to.”

The first time you do this you may surprise yourself at how empowered you feel! Practice saying No over the next 90 days. It may save you lots of stress and,  you never know, maybe even some money too.

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Ever heard the saying: “You teach people how to treat you”?

It’s true. It’s evident by what you’re willing or not willing to tolerate in your relationships…

Many years ago I became friends with a wonderful lady who was like a mother to me. She was very kind and loving to everyone so I couldn’t understand why her adult children treated her with such disrespect.  They openly put her down even in the presence of strangers. And the more they disrespected her, the harder she worked to seek their love and approval.

It really bothered me to see what was going on.  I thought it was all her children’s fault that they were so disrespectful.  Back then I hadn’t yet learned how to Communicate to Get Respect.

 Here’s how you get respect.

First, be aware that you have rights as an individual.

Second, acknowledge your rights.

Assertive people know they have the right to:

·      Be treated with respect

·      Express their own opinion, feelings, thoughts

·      Say no

·      Decide for themselves what they want

·      Make mistakes

·      Be themselves

Third, begin to ask for respect. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings.  For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

Fourth, focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred.  For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

 Fifth, whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.  Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice.  Discuss the problem with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

Seek Respect.  Your goal is not to be liked.  It’s to be respected. 

When you don’t express your opinion on how you want to be treated, you close the lines of communication between yourself and others.  This results in a build-up of anger, resentment and frustration toward others. This is hazardous to your health and your relationships.

On the other hand when you begin to express your feelings in a calm manner you open up the lines of communication between you and the people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy, involvement and mutual respect in your relationships. Great for your health and your relationships.

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