Addressing conflict can be challenging for many of us. Many times we either ‘fight’ or ‘fly’ depending on how we were raised and how we saw our families of origin deal with issues. ‘Fighting’ and ‘flying’ both lead to alienation and these are  aggressive and passive responses respectively.

When we are passive in dealing with conflict we may feel powerless to change what we consider a ‘hostile dynamic’ so we react by withdrawing, retreating or hiding. This often results in blocks to communication. On the other side of the spectrum by acting aggressively to address conflict we react in a way that’s scary and intimidating to others. As a result we stand to alienate the people we’re interacting with.

One of the most empowering ways I know to communicate around conflict is by using assertive behaviors. Using assertive strategies allows us to respond rather than react and we build mutual respect and intimacy rather than alienation.

Becoming assertive requires a very conscious shift in our mindset. We must first recognize that we have rights. This is fundamental to changing unhealthy relationship dynamics and will allow us to gain the respect we desire in our relationships.

 1. Recognize your rights. You have the right to:

*Be treated with respect

*Express your own opinion, feelings, thoughts

*Say no

*Decide for yourself what you want

*Make mistakes

*Be yourself

2. Assess what’s happening. Determine how to respond assertively rather than react to the situation. Whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice. It’s best to discuss the issue with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

3. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings. For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

4. Focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred. For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

5. If you feel you’re still not being heard, you may try the technique of ‘escalating’.

Use your hand like a stop sign, stand in your power and in a firm voice say: “I would like you to stop…” Pause for effect.

-If you’re still not being heard say something like: “I have asked you to stop and it seems you’re not listening. If you choose to continue I’m going to be forced to ….” (leave the room, stop communicating with you until you are willing to be respectful, etc). Choose an action that makes sense in the situation and follow through with what you say you’re going to do if you’re not being heard.

6. Seek Respect. Your goal is not to be liked. It’s to be respected. Once you understand this you can begin to express your feelings and open the lines of communication with people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy and mutual respect in your relationships…

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It’s been said the number one regret people have when they lay on their death beds is that they took their lives too seriously. In other words they didn’t play enough. That’s pretty darn serious, isn’t it? So can you afford not to play? If you spend all your life working without taking time to play that could be you…

Did you realize that the Disneylands and Disneyworlds are filled with adults because these are the few places we give ourselves permission to play as adults?

But you don’t have to wait for that once in a lifetime dream trip to Disneyworld to have fun.

You could start at home or wherever you choose and you could make it as often as once a week or more if you choose.

Some of us learned it wasn’t okay to play as kids. Speaking for myself that was my life. Until I grew up and recognized that the little girl inside was always going to be a little girl who needs play and laughter. So now I have a life that includes playtime. I love to play in the sand so I bought me a sand box-a little one that holds pride of place in my little sanctuary area.

Taking time to play has many benefits like making you younger, happier, and more creative. It helps relieve stress and helps our relationships thrive. One of my clients says: “It makes us less crabby.”

So take some time to play.

Make note in your planner to have a play date this week.

Take a half-hour or hour if you choose of undisturbed time.

Reflect on what you used to love to do as a child.

Do one fun thing this week and every week for the next three months.

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I often meet people who ask my advice on this very question. It’s a very challenging issue for those of us who were taught that our role is to cater to everyone else’s needs, never speak up for our rights and always say yes to whatever you’re asked to do.

This is especially challenging for many women. In order to set boundaries you’re going to have to learn to say no. It becomes challenging to say “No” when your whole life you’ve been nodding, smiling and responding with “Yes” to everything. 

I’m not pointing the finger at you. I’m talking about myself here. I came from a home where I was taught to be a nice person. I was taught to put everybody’s needs ahead of my own. What I knew how to do really well was to please everybody, suck up to people, take whatever they were dishing out and I couldn’t understand why I always felt so unhappy.

That’s because I wasn’t pleasing myself. It means that no matter how good I made someone else feel I was making me feel bad.

So to overcome this challenge you have to first recognize these inalienable rights:

*You are an individual with your own rights and needs!

*You are worthy of love and respect!

*You have the right to live a happy life!

*You have the right to say no to someone or something without giving a reason or excuse

Saying no to other people’s agendas or programs allows us to focus on our own agendas and programs. It allows us to put our needs about the needs of others. It gives us peace of mind where we may otherwise find ourselves feeling stressed and anxious because we’ve said yes to so many things we can’t keep up with our commitment to ourselves.

To learn how to say no takes practice, practice, practice

1. Start by saying no to little things in situations that are not very intimidating or threatening, e.g. something your friend asked you to do for her/him. Say no.

2. Whenever you’re asked to do something, recognize there’s no pressure to respond immediately. Then say something like: “I’d like to think about this and get back to you”

3. Next, check in with yourself. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this?’

4. If the answer is no. Respond by saying something like: ” I’ve had a chance to think about this and I’ve decided not to.”

The first time you do this you may surprise yourself at how empowered you feel! Practice saying No over the next 90 days. It may save you lots of stress and,  you never know, maybe even some money too.

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Ever heard the saying: “You teach people how to treat you”?

It’s true. It’s evident by what you’re willing or not willing to tolerate in your relationships…

Many years ago I became friends with a wonderful lady who was like a mother to me. She was very kind and loving to everyone so I couldn’t understand why her adult children treated her with such disrespect.  They openly put her down even in the presence of strangers. And the more they disrespected her, the harder she worked to seek their love and approval.

It really bothered me to see what was going on.  I thought it was all her children’s fault that they were so disrespectful.  Back then I hadn’t yet learned how to Communicate to Get Respect.

 Here’s how you get respect.

First, be aware that you have rights as an individual.

Second, acknowledge your rights.

Assertive people know they have the right to:

·      Be treated with respect

·      Express their own opinion, feelings, thoughts

·      Say no

·      Decide for themselves what they want

·      Make mistakes

·      Be themselves

Third, begin to ask for respect. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings.  For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

Fourth, focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred.  For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

 Fifth, whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.  Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice.  Discuss the problem with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

Seek Respect.  Your goal is not to be liked.  It’s to be respected. 

When you don’t express your opinion on how you want to be treated, you close the lines of communication between yourself and others.  This results in a build-up of anger, resentment and frustration toward others. This is hazardous to your health and your relationships.

On the other hand when you begin to express your feelings in a calm manner you open up the lines of communication between you and the people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy, involvement and mutual respect in your relationships. Great for your health and your relationships.

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Have you been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant say: “Put on your oxygen mask first”?
Did you think about what it really means or did you immediately dismiss it thinking: “I can’t do that”?
What does it really mean to put on your oxygen mask first?

If you don’t do it you wont be able to ‘be there’ for others when they need you. To be able to help others we must first take care of ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, pyschologically.

Giving to others without giving to yourself first is like attempting to make a withdrawal from your account when there’s no money in it. That’s called overdrawing. Even if you have overdraft protection, you’re putting your account in the negative and the bank expects you to pay back the money.

If you don’t give to yourself first you’ll have nothing to give. What’s worse is you could completely burn out or become totally incapable of helping others due to illness or…

I received the gift of spending time with my mother about six months before she passed. It was May 2006 and my sons and I had just returned to Canada from Korea. The cancer she’d been diagnosed with had returned and she’d been admitted to hospital for a short stay.

One of the things she sat me down and told me was: “Make sure you continue to take care of yourself. Even if other people think you’re being selfish, take care of yourself. If I had known this my whole life, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this situation now.”

I had been practicing self-care for many years as a result of doing Assertiveness Training. I had always known it was the right thing to do however hearing this from my mother really cemented it in my heart and mind.

She was a woman who had lived a life of complete self-sacrifice. Wherever she went people loved and admired her for her generosity. She had always given to others first and many times had nothing left for herself. It amazed me that she had been given this flash of insight and had chosen to share it with me. It touched me in a way nothing else could and brought me to tears.

Whether you’re a young adult just starting out in life or you’ve been through lots of life – take care of yourself first. Whether you are admired for your generosity to others, you have children and a family to care for or you work in a helping profession – take time for yourself first. Whatever your situation start practicing self-care. Your family, friends, neighbours, community, workplace, world will benefit from your self-care.

Giving to yourself is an act of self-love. It helps you feel better about yourself. It allows you to give without feeling resentful and it allows others to respect you, your time and your efforts.

Tips to start practicing self-care:
1. Make a note in your planner to have some “Me Time” this week.

2. Take an hour of undisturbed time that you’re going to spend completely by yourself. No distractions allowed e.g. cell phones, computer, children, partner, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend.

3. Take time to think about the things you enjoy doing. Maybe it’s watching an episode of Sesame Street, Mr. Bean or your favourite comedian. It could be drawing or painting a picture. For some people it’s getting a massage, bubble bath or foot soak. For others it’s going for a nature walk, swim, hike. It could mean settling down in your favourite chair with a book. The ideas are endless and as unique as you.

4. Do something you enjoy for that hour. Notice how you feel after your self-care experience.

5. Have a “Me Time” date every week for the next 3 months. It will change your life!

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I was having a conversation with one of my sons recently. And it took me back to a memory of myself in high school. I was reminded of how much my self-esteem was tied to my academic achievements.

I was somewhat uncoordinated so I didn’t do well at sports but I had a sense from early on that I could do well in school. By high school I had it figured out that I wasn’t good at Sciences but I took a liking to languages and decided to focus my attention there. I loved learning Spanish and French.

Throughout my high school years I did the work to pull straight As in Spanish and French. Now, on the odd occasion when I got a B+ for a test or assignment I’d be devastated. It was as if my world had fallen apart.

Fast-forward to high school graduation. I had done well on all the exams and had received top grades in my class for both Spanish and French. We were told that prizes were going to be given out at the graduation ceremony to the top students in each subject area and I was sure I would receive the prize for both Spanish and French. Everyone in my class thought so too.

Well I was right about one of them. I received the prize for Spanish but another student won the prize for French and I was so crushed I couldn’t breathe. I felt ashamed. My Inner Critic kept saying: “Shame on you. You’re a failure. You’re not smart. If you were really smart you would have won both prizes? How difficult is that to win two prizes?

It was such a devastating blow to my self-esteem, my graduation ceremony was a blur. I remembered taking a few pictures with my family but I felt so sad. I felt like I didn’t have a future. I felt like a failure.

I never told anyone in my family but while they were celebrating the success of my high school achievement I was feeling miserable thinking I had nothing to celebrate because I had lost the French prize. What was there to celebrate?

Fast-forward to 20 odd years later. I was searching through old pictures and came across my high school graduation program. In it was my name and the text acknowledging my achievement of gaining the top award for Spanish. Of the hundreds of students in that graduating class I had won the top prize. That was an achievement! Why didn’t I see that then?

Because I had very low self-esteem. I didn’t see myself as enough and no matter what I had achieved it wasn’t enough. My sense of self was tied to what I could achieve and when I didn’t achieve the goals I had set for myself I felt like a total loser. And I’d get mad at myself.

Do you find yourself beating up on yourself for what you didn’t achieve?
Do you get mad at yourself and call yourself names like dumb, stupid, loser?
Do you take time to celebrate your successes or do you immediately take note of your perceived failures and get depressed about them?

High self-esteem is about liking ourselves. It’s about accepting ourselves and recognizing that we are okay just the way we are.
That means we don’t have to win a top prize, get straight As or be recognized as the best in our field to be okay.

High self-esteem is not about our achievements. It’s about self-love, self acceptance, self-confidence in ourselves for just being here on the planet. It’s about acknowledging our strengths and approving of ourselves.

Many of us look outside ourselves for approval and even complain that we’re not appreciated. Yet when we receive a compliment we deflect it by saying: “Oh, that was nothing really” or some other similar excuse.

When we begin to love ourselves we feel comfortable to give ourselves the compliment. And when someone else compliments us we’re able to accept with a simple “Thank you.”

High self-esteem allows us to look at our day-to-day achievements and take the time to celebrate them before moving on. In order for us to get to this level we need to start at the beginning.

Some people might consider this mirror exercise a little weird but if you can bring yourself to try it, do. It will make a world of difference to your life.

1. To begin to develop your self-esteem pick up a small mirror, say your name out loud and “I love and accept you exactly as you are.” Look into your eyes and say something positive to yourself every time you pass a mirror this week.

2. Get a 79 cent notebook and label it My Self-esteem Journal. In your self-esteem journal write 10 positive things about yourself. Every morning as you wake, before you rush off into your day and before your Inner Critic starts telling you all the negatives, open up your journal and read the positive things you wrote about yourself.

Reflect on them. Take them with you throughout your day. Write them on index cards and look at them at intervals in the day to remind yourself of who you are.

3. Every night before bed write in your Self-esteem Journal 5 things you are thankful for. Yes, gratitude lifts your spirits and brings more good to you.

Try these 3 self-esteem building exercises for 90 days and you’ll be amazed at the difference they make to your life!

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Hello everyone. I’m finally getting it done! It’s my first blog post ever… And I trust you’ll find it helpful and relevant to your life in some way. We’re talking about Assertiveness today.

Thanks to one of my family members who wrote in to ask me this question:

“If being assertive is so good, why do I feel so bad asserting myself?”

(The situation is that her former boss is being harrassing, abusive and threatening a lawsuit because she has asked him to return items he’s borrowed from her).

And my response is:

Congratulations on standing up for yourself and your rights! You’re probably feeling bad because the frightened part of you is screaming: “It’s all your fault! You had no right to ask him to return those items and now you’ve made him mad. You’re bad!”

It’s difficult to assert yourself if you were taught to always be nice to people and never confront.

The other thing is, maybe you’re not yet comfortable with being assertive. (It takes practice and planning ahead what you’re going to say and how to say it). So you may have come across as agressive and it may have left the other person on the defensive.

This is especially true if they’re used to you acting in a passive manner and all of a sudden you’ve changed on them. They may not know how to deal with your new behaviour.

The question to ask yourself is: How important is it to you to get these items returned?

I tell my clients that being assertive has consequences and you have to be prepared to deal with a fallout from the other side. If he’s threatening a lawsuit, it could just be a threat. At the same time, if he were serious are you prepared to take it all the way to court?

So, how do you decide when to ‘drop it’? The questions for you to think about are:

How much of your time is being consumed by this situation? Is it really worth that much of your time and energy?

Remember, becoming assertive isn’t a one-situation deal. The point is to let this person know that you are deserving of respect. You have demonstrated that by asking to have your items returned and you have a right to do so.

If you want to get more practice with being assertive, set up a life coaching session or a one-one consultation with me. I have also written an assertiveness e-course that gives you tools and strategies to practice being assertive. Get your copy of The Assertiveness Basics e-Course today!

Have you ever dealt with feeling bad after you asserted yourself? Tell us your experience… Share it.

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