Addressing conflict can be challenging for many of us. Many times we either ‘fight’ or ‘fly’ depending on how we were raised and how we saw our families of origin deal with issues. ‘Fighting’ and ‘flying’ both lead to alienation and these are  aggressive and passive responses respectively.

When we are passive in dealing with conflict we may feel powerless to change what we consider a ‘hostile dynamic’ so we react by withdrawing, retreating or hiding. This often results in blocks to communication. On the other side of the spectrum by acting aggressively to address conflict we react in a way that’s scary and intimidating to others. As a result we stand to alienate the people we’re interacting with.

One of the most empowering ways I know to communicate around conflict is by using assertive behaviors. Using assertive strategies allows us to respond rather than react and we build mutual respect and intimacy rather than alienation.

Becoming assertive requires a very conscious shift in our mindset. We must first recognize that we have rights. This is fundamental to changing unhealthy relationship dynamics and will allow us to gain the respect we desire in our relationships.

 1. Recognize your rights. You have the right to:

*Be treated with respect

*Express your own opinion, feelings, thoughts

*Say no

*Decide for yourself what you want

*Make mistakes

*Be yourself

2. Assess what’s happening. Determine how to respond assertively rather than react to the situation. Whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice. It’s best to discuss the issue with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

3. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings. For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

4. Focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred. For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

5. If you feel you’re still not being heard, you may try the technique of ‘escalating’.

Use your hand like a stop sign, stand in your power and in a firm voice say: “I would like you to stop…” Pause for effect.

-If you’re still not being heard say something like: “I have asked you to stop and it seems you’re not listening. If you choose to continue I’m going to be forced to ….” (leave the room, stop communicating with you until you are willing to be respectful, etc). Choose an action that makes sense in the situation and follow through with what you say you’re going to do if you’re not being heard.

6. Seek Respect. Your goal is not to be liked. It’s to be respected. Once you understand this you can begin to express your feelings and open the lines of communication with people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy and mutual respect in your relationships…

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I often meet people who ask my advice on this very question. It’s a very challenging issue for those of us who were taught that our role is to cater to everyone else’s needs, never speak up for our rights and always say yes to whatever you’re asked to do.

This is especially challenging for many women. In order to set boundaries you’re going to have to learn to say no. It becomes challenging to say “No” when your whole life you’ve been nodding, smiling and responding with “Yes” to everything. 

I’m not pointing the finger at you. I’m talking about myself here. I came from a home where I was taught to be a nice person. I was taught to put everybody’s needs ahead of my own. What I knew how to do really well was to please everybody, suck up to people, take whatever they were dishing out and I couldn’t understand why I always felt so unhappy.

That’s because I wasn’t pleasing myself. It means that no matter how good I made someone else feel I was making me feel bad.

So to overcome this challenge you have to first recognize these inalienable rights:

*You are an individual with your own rights and needs!

*You are worthy of love and respect!

*You have the right to live a happy life!

*You have the right to say no to someone or something without giving a reason or excuse

Saying no to other people’s agendas or programs allows us to focus on our own agendas and programs. It allows us to put our needs about the needs of others. It gives us peace of mind where we may otherwise find ourselves feeling stressed and anxious because we’ve said yes to so many things we can’t keep up with our commitment to ourselves.

To learn how to say no takes practice, practice, practice

1. Start by saying no to little things in situations that are not very intimidating or threatening, e.g. something your friend asked you to do for her/him. Say no.

2. Whenever you’re asked to do something, recognize there’s no pressure to respond immediately. Then say something like: “I’d like to think about this and get back to you”

3. Next, check in with yourself. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this?’

4. If the answer is no. Respond by saying something like: ” I’ve had a chance to think about this and I’ve decided not to.”

The first time you do this you may surprise yourself at how empowered you feel! Practice saying No over the next 90 days. It may save you lots of stress and,  you never know, maybe even some money too.

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