She was the closest person to me and the one person I knew I could count on no matter what. She was one of my best friends and we had a lot of wonderful memories of sharing and spending time together. We could almost finish each other’s sentences and knew what was going on with each other without having to say a word.People admired our relationship and would comment “You’re so lucky to have a mom like that!” What they didn’t know is that it wasn’t always ‘like that’.
My mom and I had had a very difficult relationship when I was a child. I was her first child and she was a teen mom with no parenting experience. She hit me often and I found it traumatic. I felt she treated me extremely cold and harsh.
She gave me very few privileges yet so many punishments. This all changed when I turned 17. I wanted to go out with a young man whom she didn’t like and she insisted I not go out with him. She and I had a big ‘confrontation’ and I insisted that I wanted to be treated as an adult. All of a sudden she eased up the pressure and began to treat me like an equal. That was our last fight.
I came to Canada by myself a few years later and I began to recall the severe beatings I received. I noticed I had been holding on to the resentments for all those years. I also came to learn that Mom showed me love in the best ways she knew how.
Yes, I did confront her and told her how much it hurt me to have been treated so severely. Her own memories of my childhood were very different from mine and she was sorry.
When she left the planet 2-1/2 years ago I was so glad I’d allowed myself to get to know and spend time with her. She was such an extraordinary and special person! What we shared was a truly beautiful and meaningful relationship!
What if I hadn’t done the work to let go the resentments? I would have had a miserable relationship with her and it would have impacted all my other relationships.
How can you let go of the past and enjoy better relationships?
1. Write forgiveness letters to all the people in your life you feel have wronged you. When you’re through writing the letters, have some kind of ceremony where you let the hurts and the pains go. Burn, shred or dispose of the letters as you choose.
2. Repeat this Forgiveness Affirmation whenever the hurts and pains resurface: “I forgive myself and others for all imperfections.”
3. Turn your negative stories into positive stories. One of my favorite speakers likes to joke that some of us are so negative, if you put us in a dark room we might begin to “develop” like film. What did you learn from that difficult situation? Did you learn survival, resourcefulness, compassion? Reframe your story from a place of victimhood to a place of empowerment.
4. Seek professional help. If all the above strategies fail to help you let go of your past and you find yourself dealing with deep depression it may be a sign to seek the help of a counselor, therapist etc. to move you forward.
5. Whatever is bothering you isn’t a little thing. It needs to be addressed. You deserve to have meaningful and special relationships!