Last night or early this morning I had a dream. Not quite the dream that Martin Luther King had. This one was a dream that gave me deep insight into my issues.
It’s remarkable because I’m the kind of person who, seventy five percent of the time, I don’t remember what I dreamed. The other twenty five percent of the time I remember, but I don’t understand the meaning of what I dreamed. But not this time. This dream was clear as crystal.
I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom and it came back to me. Not only did I remember it. I knew what it represented.
My father was there. It’s like I found myself in the same room with my father but I had three flies stuck in my throat literally. Gross, huh?
So the whole time I was with him I was trying to gag to get rid of the flies. I eventually cleared two of them by putting my finger down my throat but one of them stayed stuck in my throat.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici www.freedigitalphotos.net
Kind of creepy, isn’t it? But you know what. As soon as I woke up, the dream came back to me and I knew what it meant.
If you know my story you know I’ve got father issues. Yes, I’m acknowledging it. We all got issues.
You see, I was abandoned by my father even before I was born. He told my pregnant mother to leave him out of it. And his parents did their part to distance him and their family from ‘the situation’ early on. They maintained that stance throughout my childhood and adulthood. In other words, my father still hasn’t acknowledged or accepted me as his child.
I’m not telling a victim story here and I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m simply acknowledging what’s been my lived experience. There’s a pain that comes from being rejected early in life that leaves a big wound. It’s not about having an unforgiving heart either. I’ve already forgiven him and his family multiple times over the years.
It’s about recognizing that at the core of my sense of identity is this script that says: “I am not seen, heard and acknowledged for who I am. Something’s wrong with me.”
This program running in the wounded part of me, my three year old self, has been impacting the way I show up in the world whether I know it or not.
I was listening to Katherine Woodward and Claire Zammit speak about Feminine Power. One of the points they covered was that most of us know what our issues are yet we’re still having the experience of repeating these disempowering patterns.
What they’ve identified in their work with women is that if we learn to connect with the deepest part of ourselves and start to mentor that little wounded part, which is at the core of our sense of identity, we can break the cycle at the very root.
Claire talked about having at the core of her sense of identity, this invisible self where she was not seen and not known. She was outside looking in, waiting to be seen and discovered.
Over the years I’ve worked through the pain and developed myself to be seen, heard and acknowledged for who I am. And I’ve had had some impact.
However what this dream last night brought to my conscious awareness is that I’ve cleared some of the blocks to being seen, heard and acknowledged for my gifts but there’s still a block. According to the dream, I’m two-thirds of the way cleared.
It’s a great place to be and I celebrate it. I’ve positioned myself as a champion for women who deal with similar issues. As long as I’m a couple of steps ahead I can help and I have already helped many women.
So I’m going to continue my personal development work to clear this block so I can show up fully and have the impact I know in my heart I’m here to have.
What are your thoughts? Do you know anyone with some similar issues who seems to be doing the work but not having full impact in their lives?
Do you have similar issues and find yourself frustrated that you’re somehow not having the impact you want to have in your life, your relationships, your career, your world?
I’d love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment.